Thursday: Social and Emotional Strength - Family Communication

So much of life comes from learning how to communicate well with one another. Today's topic comes from an article called “Improving Family Talk,” in the July 1990 Ensign.
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“You never understand! You don’t even try to see things my way,” cries a resentful teenager, storming out the door.

After a school band concert, a teenage girl sits alone in her room. She performed well, and her father was proud of her. But the only comment he made was to joke about how her music fell off the music stand. He wonders why she is so upset.

A man looks across the room at his wife, who is reading on the couch. He thinks of the love he has for her and how he appreciates her efforts to make the family’s life more comfortable and enjoyable. But he says nothing.

The silence is deafening.

What Is Communication?

Communication is a vital part of family life. But despite technological advances in communication—radio, telephones, television, and satellites—our communication with those we know best is often as difficult as it ever has been.

The Importance of Our Conversations

We often fail to recognize the powerful teaching—not preaching—potential in our conversations with our children. Wise parents have found that informal, unstructured moments can permit the giving and receiving of very vital messages. Brief conversations in the car or chatting together while working or playing together often leads to deep, intimate moments of sharing and love. Such exchanges are among everyone’s favorite childhood memories. “That’s the only reason I go fishing with my children,” says one father who doesn’t particularly like fishing but likes the time it gives him to visit with his children away from other distractions. Some families take regular walks in order to create conversation time. Others use the dinner table as a place to keep in touch with each other. One pediatrician, a father himself, believes that what families say to each other at mealtime is of greater importance than what is eaten.

Not all parents realize the value of good conversation. But children benefit greatly from participating in interesting conversations. Such conversations help them learn to express themselves clearly, listen compassionately, respect the opinions of others, develop an interest in a variety of subjects, and see different sides of complex issues.

Starting Family Conversations

Some conversations start themselves. Special occasions, such as the arrival of new babies, baptisms, mission calls, marriages, and deaths lead to conversations all by themselves. In some families, children talk to their parents for a few minutes after coming home from dates or other activities.

But what do parents do when conversations don’t start themselves? First, we need to recognize that not all times are appropriate for conversation. Trying to carry on a conversation when one person is too hungry, tired, or upset may only lead to frustration, perhaps even antagonism.

Second, we need to set an atmosphere conducive to good conversations. We establish such an atmosphere when we show respect for our children’s thoughts and feelings. If we belittle a child when he offers his opinion, he will feel he has nothing worthwhile to contribute to future conversations.

Perhaps the best way to show respect is to listen. Listening is improved when we resist the temptation to interrupt or finish statements for one who might be slow of expression. Here, parents not only set the example but also establish courteous behavior as a rule. No one person should be allowed to monopolize a conversation. We can encourage others to take part in a conversation through pointed questions, such as, “How do you feel about that, Jane?” or “What has your experience been with that, Tom?” In fact, the surest way to stimulate conversations with children is to ask a question that invites a thoughtful response. Such questions show our children that we value their opinions, increasing their self-confidence.

If we don’t already enjoy the blessings of good family conversations, our first attempts to open these lines of communication may be discouraging. We may meet timidity, interruptions, or a lack of interest. It may take time for our children to realize that we are honestly interested in what they have to say. But the rewards are worth it. Good conversations can become a means of increasing family unity and providing memories that we will treasure throughout our lives.

Thursday - Social and Emotional Strength

Today's topic is on Marriage and the tips come from the talk "When Marriage Have Problems" by Terry Baker.

Couples work through their differences at varying levels of effectiveness, with different methods.


1. Putting Each Other Down (the Worst Way)
This method is often characterized by physical fighting, swearing, and throwing things. It is accompanied by excessive selfishness and stubbornness, the idea that “my way is the only way and that I am obviously much wiser than my partner will ever be.” To make sure that the other person gets this point and believes it, the partner chooses an emotional outburst designed to put the other down. It’s easy to function at this level; it takes little practice.

2. Burying Feelings (a Little Better)
This method of resolving differences consists of pretending that problems don’t exist. But feelings buried alive usually refuse to die. They keep surfacing, disrupting us and those close to us. Some people suffer from buried feelings for decades. Unresolved resentment, anger, disappointment, frustration, and hurt can destroy physical health and ruin marriages and families.

Functioning at this level is a small step above level one because it does require some self-control. Those practicing this technique usually adapt it from such sayings as “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” This is sound advice on occasion. But when we repress important feelings, the one who feels hurt will continue to feel hurt, and the spouse will always be wondering in frustration what the problem is.

3. Compromising (Better, but Not Perfect)
This level is advocated by communication specialists. It is particularly useful, they say, in solving problems of limited family resources. It is similar to the process nations use to negotiate peaceful settlements.

Couples functioning at this level usually go through a sequence of steps. First, they recognize that a conflict exists and decide to negotiate a settlement. Next, during the negotiation period, each partner recognizes the other’s rights and tries to be sensitive to the other’s needs. At the bargaining session, each person states what he or she would like, and then demonstrates willingness to compromise and trade. Above all, both sides try to make the settlement fair and equitable.

This level of problem-solving is popular among many couples in the world today and is a definite improvement on levels one and two. It takes work, self-control, empathy, and a desire to place the relationship on at least an equal level of importance with our own personal needs and wants. But it lacks charity.

4. Being Charitable (the Best Method)
This level is based on gospel principles, especially charity—the opposite of selfishness. If we have charity, we have as much love and concern for our mate as we have for ourselves. We try to understand our partner’s feelings and needs; we value our relationship more than our own wants. The level and tone of voice we use in problem-solving is the same we would use if we were talking to the Savior.

When Paul defined charity (1 Cor. 13), he used such words as “suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. … Never faileth. … is the pure love of Christ, and … endureth forever”. What useful counsel for husbands and wives trying to overcome differences!

These suggestions might help us use charity in solving marital problems:

a. Deal with personal feelings first. Intense feelings affect our self-control, which in turn influences our ability to be charitable and to communicate clearly. Therefore it is best to “cool off” first before we try to talk to our mate about the issue at hand.

b. Be sensitive to timing. Some times are better for discussions than others. We may need to wait until the best time comes. It is unwise to discuss important feelings when we or our partners are tired, pressured, or hungry.

c. Own up to the problem. In this simple but important step, we acknowledge that we are concerned and that we aren’t trying to blame the other person. Instead of saying “you make me mad when …” we could say something like “I have a concern that I’d like to talk to you about. Is now a good time to do it?” If the answer is yes, then continue.

d. Begin with a sincere, positive statement related to the issue. When we are angry, this is difficult to do—that’s why we have to be in control of our feelings.

e. Honestly and kindly state feelings associated with this concern.

f. State the concern in a tentative manner rather than using absolutes. By so doing, we acknowledge that what we are saying is only the way we see it and that our partner’s views are just as important as our own: Some tentative phrases are: “I wonder if …”, “As I see it …”, “I may be wrong but …”, “It seems to me …”, “In my opinion. …”

g. Be descriptive in explaining the problem. Avoid passing judgment. It is important here to be as specific as we can in describing the other person’s behavior, rather than making judgments such as “You don’t even care if we are late or not.”

After we are sure our partner understands both our feelings and our perception of facts about the problems, and after we have given our spouse a chance to state his or her own feelings and perceptions of the facts, then it is time to move on to the resolution step. Unfortunately, too many of us try to skip all of the above steps and just blurt out such things as “What are you going to do about always making us late?” This type of attack is dishonest—it nearly always makes the situation worse.

h. Make some suggestions, stating what you are willing to do to help accomplish those suggestions. This shows that you are not just a complainer but are willing to help make changes.

i. Be flexible. If your suggestions are not acceptable, be willing to accommodate your mate’s perceptions of how the problem can best be resolved.

Thursday - Social and Emotional Strength

According to the Provident Living website, here are ten common challenges facing families.

1. Parenting Issues
2. Marital Issues
3. Divorce
4. Grieving
5. Out of Wedlock Pregnancy
6. Emotional and Mental Problems
7. Substance Abuse
8. Eating Disorders
9. Stress
10. Pornography

Lots to talk about in this area. I'll probably keep my goals in this area to myself, and just post about diffent topics. Today, I'm going to post part of a talk (Garth A. Hanson, “Building for Their Future,” Ensign, Dec. 2003, 39)that talks about how to help your children make good decisions.


1. Pray about decisions in family prayers, and encourage your children to pray about decisions in their personal prayers.

2. Find as many ways as possible to interact with your children at all ages. Establish basic practices in your family that will encourage conversation, interaction, and teaching opportunities.

3. Regularly interview your children individually. Ask your child questions that will encourage him or her to discuss, make, and evaluate decisions. Such questions might include: How are your relationships with friends? Are you embarrassed by anything we do as a family? What financial and transportation needs do you have?

4. Provide appropriate advice as children make decisions in each stage of their development. Let them know how you feel about the choices before them and the possible outcomes. Provide less advice on less significant decisions as children mature so they can practice the decision-making process. Know that your children are more capable of making good decisions than you realize. Let them try what you’ve taught them.

5. Hold regular family councils. Invite all the children to participate in family decisions. Follow up on decisions made in earlier family councils by evaluating together the results of those decisions. Let the children see that their opinions matter.

6. Treat your children with respect throughout their lives. When you do so, they will respect you in return, even though at times they may cause you grief. Interacting and teaching without respect can bring negative results. Children who see their parents’ respect and sacrifice for them are more likely to honor their parents’ desires, which leads to better decisions.

7. Teach your children to gather good information. Encourage them to get to know teachers, Church leaders, and other adults. Then ask them to share that information with you as they make important decisions.