So this weekend

Whitney Houston died.  She was only 48.  I listened to her music, often, when I was so very young, but not.  (I was just starting college.)  I'm not going to discuss anything about the circumstances of her death though, and I am wish her family comfort and strength during their time of loss.

However, her death has brought up something that has been something that I've been dealing with for years. 

Maybe it is because my first funeral was for a little girl who was 8, just like me at the time. Maybe it is because my dad had a very major heart attack when he was 38 and I was just 11.  (He is still alive though.  Amazing, really.) Maybe it is because the Boy died when I was 18.  Maybe it is because I went to a dear friend's daughter's funeral when I was still in my early 20s.  His daughter was just a year old and died of SIDS. 

I don't know.  But I've been thinking about death, specifically my death, for a long time. 

Like in an obsessive sort of way.  Like when I get in the car, I wonder if this is going to be the time that I don't come back home.  Like when I write things on a piece of paper, I wonder if I should throw it away so that nobody sees it after I'm dead.  Or if I should clean my house that morning because if I don't, maybe I'll die and the EMTs and all my friends and relatives would come over and see what a slob I was.

I must say, The Boy did both help and hurt this kind of thinking.  I think, honestly, it was mostly the beginning of it.  The little 8 year old girl.  It was sad, and awful, but she had been sick for awhile with cancer and so there seemed to be a reason.  The Boy - it was just being at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I'm sure that there were things that he had regrets about, but he also had to know that he had done much to help so many other people.  He had almost an annoying habit of wanting to help everybody.  He always wanted to make others feel good about themselves (well, except for the time that he broke up with me.  For a year.  I guess he got over it then.  LOL) He was also so funny.  He could make me laugh, even when I didn't want to.  And most importantly, he could make me see that there was more to life than the little tiny detail that I was stressing about that really wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  He taught me that true friendship was more important than most things.  He taught me a lot.  And then he died. He was almost 20.  Much too young to die.

And so it began, probably, way back then.  At first, I was just thinking about death in terms of "I just want to die so I can be with him." or "I better be perfect so that I can be with him." or "I just want to die because I am so tired of being without him." or I just want to die because I'm so tired of hurting."

I didn't die that first year afterwards though.  The 2nd year afterwards, I tried.  Not in that way, but I lived a pretty self-destructive life that next year.  I'm still amazed that I survived. 

And then there were "the lost years" as I call them.  I am in contact with ONE, yes, ONE person who I knew over the next 5 years.  (Well, that doesn't include my family.  Who thankfully put up with me.)  I was sad and lost and destructive and lonely. For 5 years.  I remember thinking back then that I couldn't believe that this is what life was like.  It seemed like living like this for another 50 -60 years would be nothing short of torture.  But I didn't die then either.

And I then I moved.  And I met people. And I did things. And I was happier.  But I still thought about Death.  More than the usual person, probably.  I told a friend around this time "I think I'll probably die before I'm 34."  I hoped that I would at least find someone else to love before I died.

And at 28, I did find someone.  And we got married.  And 4 months into our marriage, I almost died.

Mr. Simple was driving and I was talking to him.  There was a stoplight coming up, and it was yellow already, so he slowed down and was coming to a stop and then all of a sudden, I noticed we were spinning.  And then there was glass everywhere.  And I couldn't really move.  We had been hit from behind when we were almost stopped by a semi-truck that was going 65 miles (which was at least 20 miles more than the speed limit) hour.  He tried to go around, and ended up smashing into my side of the car and the seats fell back on the crumpled part of the car, and I came down, on my neck on the headrest of the car, which was now bent at a 90 degree angle.  They thought I'd broke my neck.  But I didn't.  I just stretched all the muscles in my upper back and neck area so much that I needed physical therapy for a year.  But I didn't die then.

But my thinking got worse for a few years after that.  I kept thinking that I would die - falling off the train platform in Chicago, or in a plane crash.  Or something way more random like a bucket falling off the window washer's platform from 40 feet up and landing on my head.  I know, it is funny.  Sort of.

And then I become a mother.  And even funny ways of dying don't seem that funny.  No mother wants to miss seeing her children's lives.  No mother wants to leave her children, especially when they are young. And I've known women, women who got cancer and died. Or women who were in car accidents.  And so when I think of dying, it is almost painful now.  Now I don't want to die.  Ever.

I know, after all these years of thinking that I will die young, then I'll end up dying at 90.  And I know, that at 45, I'm not as young as I used to, although still young enough.  And maybe, I should spend more time thinking about the good things that I've learned from all those I know (and even don't know) that die young.

1 - Try.  You may be able to reach goals that are higher than you can imagine.
2 - Always tell people that you love them. 
3 - Forgive. 
4 - Laugh often. 
5 - Don't take the small things too seriously. 
6 - Don't put things off. 
7 - Be honest.
8 - Help others. 
9 - Smile and say Thank You.  Often.
10 - Have Fun, Do Good.

How I have changed since I started writing on this blog . . .

I have a friend who was recently celebrating her 43rd birthday (youngster LOL.  I'm 45!) and she was complaining about how she had noticed that she needed to use reading glasses sometimes.  And we were laughing and saying how she needed a chain so she could wear them around her neck, like my piano teacher always did. 

I was thinking that I wasn't 40 when I started this blog, but you know what? I was! I was actually just turned 42! I started this blog way back in August of 2008.  Sometimes, that sounds like a lifetime ago, and sometime it sounds like it was just a few months ago.

So how have I changed in the past few years?

- Well, workwise, things have only recently changed, and not completely.  Back in 2008, I had recently started having full-time daycare students instead of just teaching preschool out of my home.  I'm still doing daycare/preschool now, but I've been doing some freelance training and I'm working to so that Simply Living In The City will be its own business (classes, online store and book!)

- Speaking of Simply Living In The City, I think I knew that I wanted to do something like that way back in 2008, but didn't really understand how to make it a reality.  Plus, I was relatively new to the "simple living" scene myself.  I was still trying to find my way and discover how to make the simple life work for our family.

- Mr. Simple's work has changed over the years.  In 2008, he was in his 8th year of working as a fire inspector/public safety officer for our city's fire department.  In 2010, he took another job working as a manager of media relations for a large company (no, not THAT large company in my city), and then he became unemployed in June of 2011.  But he has since started his own business, and is doing quite well! In 2008, he was also broadcasting for the local arena football team, and he continues to do that as well as starting as the broadcaster for the basketball team too.

- My kids (sniff!) have grown up a lot since August 2008.  Super was 3, almost 4 when I started and Jelly Bean was 6, and Flower was 8, almost 9.  Now they are 7, newly 10, and 12! I don't have "little" kids anymore. They are still mostly "simple" kids though.  Flower has an iPod Touch (that she bought herself) and we were gifted a Kinect by a generous family member in December, but my kids still LOVE to play outside, still LOVE to read, still LOVE to make gifts and still LOVE to spend hours drawing (especially Jelly Bean.)  But lest you think that they are "simply perfect", they also appear to LOVE to annoy each other too. :)

- When I started blogging, I was starting out my first year of homeschooling and it was just Flower.  The next year, it was Jelly Bean and Flower.  Last school year, it was just Jelly Bean. And this school year? Everyone is in public school.  I miss homeschooling.  I still, every once in awhile, wonder if we made the right decision.

- I have really made great strides in living a simple life that fits OUR life.  Which for us, means thrifting for clothes and housewares.  Buying less.  And when we do, it is a NEED.  And it is something that fits our lifestyle, so it probably means that it is quality.  And natural materials.  But bought as frugally as possible.  Eating whole foods.  Using our cars less and walking and biking more.  Learning how to make things.  Like dairy products.  Soap.  Dishcloths. Mustard. Tomato sauce :)  Learning to make the best use of our space inside and outside of our home.  Coming to peace with living in THIS home and in THIS city. 

- When I started this blog, we had just started digging out of the financial hole we were in.  Being mostly debt-free still seemed impossible.  And we only had one car back then (and it was not paid for either.) Now we have two cars (both paid for), and no debt besides our mortgage.  We pay cash for everything.  We save up if we don't have all the money.  Or we decide we don't need it.
- I have had bumps in my relationships in the past few years.  But I'm pleased to say that I haven't lost a relationship with anyone. (At least I don't think so!) Some have faded a little, and some I'm still trying to figure things out, some are new, and some are stronger than ever.

- I've had some loss over the years.  I lost our son to stillbirth, actually a few months before I started this blog.  I'm not as sad as I was in those early days of his loss, but I still think of him every day.  And I still wish that he had lived.  I lost my grandmother in September 2009.

- I have had some health problems over the years.  I had a heart scare in early 2010 and then I lost a bunch of weight in 2010 and 2011.  Also in 2010 and early 2011, I was dealing with terrible allergies & sinus infections.  And I was diagnosed with skin cancer in 2010 and had it removed in early 2011.  And I was diagnosed with Meniere's in Fall of 2010.  And 2011 was the year that I got tendinitis.  And burned 25% of my body.  Here is to hoping to a healthier 2012!

- There have been other changes, in particular one that took place in 2011, but I'm not ready to share about EVERYTHING yet.  Baby steps.  I didn't used to share anything personal here, and so I've made changes with sharing things more here too, I guess.

But I am happier.  Happier than I was in 2008.  And we are better off financially than we were in 2008.  And we are simpler too.  Oh, and older too. But I still don't need reading glasses. :)

My grandma died yesterday (m)

She was 91 years old. I had a long, lovely relationship with her. When I was growing up living in Nebraska, every year, we would camp for two weeks in Colorado, Montana, Wyoming, etc., and then spend a week at my grandparents in Utah. I remember having water fights with my grandpa in the back yard, and my grandma bringing us out vanilla ice cream in plastic cups afterwards. I remember my grandma being able to fall asleep anywhere and her snoring, and then her always saying that she wasn't asleep. I remember her giving me the complete set of Trixie Belden books one summer.

One year, when I was 13, my parents let me fly out by myself and stay for a month before they came out. My grandma took me to lots of plays, including As You Like It in a local Shakespeare In The Park show. She loved acting, and did acting in the area up until she was in her 70s

When I was older, and living in Utah, my sister and I spent one summer living with my grandparents. I remember going down to the basement at night to watch the news and cool off and crochet. Lots of crocheting.

My grandpa died shortly after Mr. Simple and I got engaged. But my grandma flew out to be with me when we got married. One of my favorite pictures from that day is one of her and I standing together. Here it is:

August 1995 - Me and my Grandma

We went out to visit a few times over the years. She got to meet all of the children. Our most recent visit was in 2006. I remember going to her house and it seeming so different. But it really wasn't. I'd just grown up.

I have a picture somewhere from that day of all the Beth's - my grandma's first name is Beth, and my mom's first name is Beth (but she goes by her middle name) and Jelly Bean's middle name is Beth.

My grandparents had 7 children, and my mom is the oldest child. I am the oldest female grandchild. Grandma Beth was my only living grandparent. I was so lucky to have so many experiences with her.

She took a turn for the worst suddenly this afternoon. My dad left a message at 7:05 pm saying that she had gotten ill, and that they didn't expect her to live more than 24 hours. By the time my dad called my sister at 7:10 pm, she had died.

I love you Grandma. Rest In Peace.