Wednesday, May 9, 2012

All right, I'm starting to panic a little now . . .

As soon as I get this job, then suddenly, it seems like all the blog posts/Facebook posts, etc. out there are suddenly talking about how wonderful it is to be a stay at home mom.

Not that I've truly been a stay at home mom much over the years.  I mean, I've been home with my children since 2003, officially.  But just me and the kids, and doing grocery shopping and playgroups and all that? Not that often.  In fact, the only time I can think of that it was just the three of us was when I took 3 months off teaching preschool when Super was born (he was born in the fall of 2004.) 

But I've been HOME for the past 9 years.  I've done preschool & daycare or training, but I was here.  I've been able to homeschool.  I've fixed breakfast, lunch and dinner every day.  I've been here to throw a load of wash in or to start the dishwasher during the day.  I've been here when my kids got off the school bus. I've been here if the nurse called and they needed to be picked up. I've been able to wear slippers all day if I wanted to.  Or yoga pants.  When the kids were napping or when we were homeschooling, and the older kids were occupied, I could have time to myself.  I could read, I could sew, I could crochet, I could do all sorts of things here at home.

Of course, it wasn't all roses and sunshine.  It was hard to juggle working from home and uh, anything else.  I often couldn't do any sort of errands during the day, and so it got pushed to evenings or weekends.  I often couldn't do things at the kids' school because I couldn't bring the other children with me.  It was expensive to feed 6, 7, 8, 9 children lunch 5 days a week, not to mention, there was the constant sweeping, straightening, washing that is required when you have a lot of young-ish children in the house.  And sometimes, even when I was just dealing with the house and my own three kids, in the evenings, on the weekends, it wasn't fun.  It was drudgery.  It was boring.  And sometimes, when I didn't know what to do in a situation, sometimes it was hard. I also didn't make that much money.  I told myself that it didn't matter.  I would have been home anyway, and I was making more money than I would have if it was just me and my children.  But it wasn't much.  And although most of the time I enjoyed it, it wasn't what I got my degree in.  It wasn't what I went back to school to get my masters in. 

And my Simple Life.  I'm nervous.  Am I still going to be able to maintain that sort of lifestyle when I'm not here during the day? When I have to squeeze in all the simple life between 5 pm and 8 am? What about all my plans for Simply Living In The City? Will I be able to bring my vision into a reality if I'm working full time?

And what about my kids? Will they be o.k. when I'm a phone call away instead of being able to just answering them when they ask me a question across the table? What will I miss by not being around them during the day this summer? How trashed will my house be at the end of the day now, and how will I instead be grateful that they had a good day and got along instead of being angry at having to pick up the house after a long day of work?

I wonder a little if I'm making the right decision, but yet, I also feel like I had to do it.  We really need the money right now.  And even if we didn't, this job could lead to a job doing writing. Doing training.  Doing things that I have my education in.  Doing things that I enjoy.  And making money so that I can turn some of my dreams for Simply Living In The City into a reality. 

I wish that we had enough money that I could stay home.  I'd still do the cleaning (but I swear I'd hire someone to keep up with the dishes and the laundry! LOL) but I'd work on Simply Living In The City a few hours a day.  That would be perfect.  But maybe it wouldn't.  I think that once you are a mom, very few situations are perfect.  It is really hard, no matter what your life is like, to be able to find that balance between being an involved parent and doing things that fulfill you personally. 

Ok.  I'm just going to have to take some deep breaths and hope for the best.  And let people help me when they offer.  And to let a few things go.  And also be willing to be open to other possibilities. And to realize that what is happening now, probably won't go on forever.  And to try and make the most of my time at home. To make sure that the things that are important to me - my family and living a simple life - are still important, no matter if I'm home all day or not. And to do my best to find that balance.

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