Happy Birthday Christopher!

It was Christopher's 4th birthday yesterday.  We went to the cemetery and we left him flowers, a wooden train caboose, a number 4 candle, and we released 4 balloons.  This year, I didn't cry when we were there.  I still remember him and I still wish things had been different, but I'm getting to a place where I'm almost accepting it. 

Happy 4th Birthday Christopher! We love you!

The Walk To Remember - 2011

Our local hospital runs a Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group, and every year, during October, which is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Remembrance Month, they have a Walk To Remember for the families.  It is a one mile walk from the hospital down the Nature Trail to the city's outdoor amphitheater.  After we get there, everyone releases balloons.

There were 165 people at the walk this year.  It is one walk I wish that there were LESS people :(  We have gone to the walk every year since 2008.  I blogged about it last year here.

Super walking on the street before we got to the trail.  His sign says  "I walk in memory of Christopher"

Flower with her balloon

Super with his balloon (the red one, his favorite color) and I'm behind Super and my balloon is the blue one

Letting the balloons go

As the balloons started to float up

Higher and higher

Super and I

We love you Christopher and we will ALWAYS remember you.

Happy Birthday Christopher!

Three years. It was three years ago that Christopher was born. It was three years ago that he died. I can hardly believe that it has been three years.

I personally don't believe that Christopher died so that I could learn some lesson. That said, I think have learned some things from his death.

----------------------------

I've learned that even though I hurt so deeply, and when I thought that there was no way that I could ever get through a day without breaking into gigantic sobs, that I could go on.

I've learned that there are others, many others, who have gone through this type of pregnancy loss. People that I never would have guessed came to me to share their story of pain and sorrow and showed me it was possible to find a "new" normal. A normal, where I would always remember him, but a normal where I could still work and play and still enjoy the good times of life.

I learned that people love me and my family. I have never felt such love and support as I did in the days and months after Christopher died. Often it was just a note or a hug letting me know that they cared. Often people said things like "I wish I knew what to say." And of course, there were no words, really. But their actions spoke so much more than words ever could.

I learned that everybody has bad things happen in their life. Maybe not the same bad things that have happened in my life, but few people get through life unscathed. And so when someone is doing something that I find aggravating, I try to remember that I don't know what has happened to them in their life. It helped me be more empathetic.

And I learned that life is about experience. And if people show me love and I show people love, just because, well, it makes getting through life just a tiny bit easier.

---------------------------

Happy Birthday Christopher! I will always remember you. I'll always wish that it could have been different and that you could have been here with us. We love you.

Merry Christmas from The Simple Family!

Well, the first thing I have to announce is that I got myself a coat! I know it isn't that exciting to most people, and don't fear, I did have something to keep me warm - it was even a winter coat. I have a parka and it keeps me warm, and I do like it, I suppose, but it is very light blue and ALWAYS looks dirty, and it certainly isn't my style really, and it looks very out of place when I wear it with say, a dress or anything more than jeans. The other exciting thing is that I bought the coat in the Misses department. Yep, no more "Womens" department or Plus sizes for me. Well, that isn't entirely true - I'm still a few pounds away from being able to shop in Misses for jeans, but I'm getting close on those too. I got a dark grey cashmere peacoat. It is just lovely. (It was also a screamin' deal. Gotta love that.) I'll try and take a picture of me in it soon.

Here is a picture of Jelly Bean by the tree and the presents, pre-opening.

A picture of all three as they looked at their stockings - they usually get candy and a calendar. Everybody got a bunch of lovely presents - some thrifted, some handmade, and some purchased new, but all were very thoughtful.

Later, we went out to the cemetery to wish Christopher a Merry Christmas. We have a ton of snow right now in here in Illinois.

By his grave marker

I love this one with their feet. The greens are from our Solstice Party centerpiece (Thanks Mary!) The kids wanted to bring him a tree and I suggested the branches and they thought it was a great idea.

We also brought him a candy cane. Merry Christmas Christopher!

All Souls Day

We don't formally recognize this day in our church, but ever since Christopher, I try and recognize the day and talk to the children about some of the people that have died and what impact they had on our lives.

We talked about how Great Grandma Davis died last year, and how she was the last of their great grandparents that died, and how lucky they were to have had a relationship with one of their great grandparents. We also talked about their other great grandparents.

And we talked a little about Christoper, but we had just done the Walk To Remember on October 30th, so we didn't spend much time talking about him today.

And I spent a moment or two thinking of The Boy, who died 26 years ago this September.

And another moment or two thinking of the other little ones that I lost to miscarriage.

Speaking of the Walk, I have a couple pictures from the day. The Pregnancy/Infant Loss group from the hospital were I delivered Christopher organizes the Walk, and we walk from the hospital to the town amphitheater, and then we let balloons go, and then walk back to the hospital and have a service where people can read poems or thoughts, etc. This year, 169 people attended. It is the highest number of people that have attended the walk. Which made me mostly sad. :(

All 3 children with their balloons

Their signs on their backs

Flower with her balloon

Jelly Bean blowing a kiss to Christopher

Super with his balloon - that is a heart with lots of
little hearts inside it.

As the balloons were flying up to the sky

Oh, It Is Spring!!

When I was a child, the only season I liked was Summer. I loved it when it was HOT. I loved wearing flip-flops (although back then, we called them thongs), and cut off jean shorts, and t-shirts. I loved, loved, loved swimming. I loved running everywhere - with no destination in mind. I loved the smell of the heat. I loved running through the sprinkler. I loved going out to the swing set and playing for hours. I loved going outside and feeling the cool grass on my skin. I loved having so much time to write (I loved writing poetry and stories. People expected me to grow up and be a writer. Well, I was a technical writer once upon a time, but I don't think that's what most people had in mind. And I write here. And there is that book that I'm sort of working on, but it isn't fiction. Anyway . . .)

But the older I get, the more I am able to appreciate Spring and Autumn. And I'm even getting to appreciate (not enjoy, but appreciate) Winter. Spring MIGHT even be my favorite now. There is just something that just makes me so happy as the earth, my neighbors, my children seem to just burst out in the Spring. And while I don't love cleaning anytime of year, something about Spring makes doing a big old fashioned Spring Cleaning, dare I say, almost enjoyable?

I even got to get out my favorite shoes again! Anybody who known me the past couple of years, knows that I have some black clogs. A very exciting find at the local Goodwill. They are Born clogs, and had I purchased them new, they would have gone for about $90. I got them for $2, and they were in fantastic shape. I've had them for two years now, and I wear them at least 2-3 times a week for 9 months out of the year. I don't, however, wear them in the winter. Illinois definitely gets snow and ice in the winter, and they just aren't practical for Winter. But now that (hopefully!) the danger of snow is past us, I got them out again, and I tell you, I fell in love with them all over again.

The daffodils in the backyard are starting to sprout (no blooms yet though) and the grass is green. And I'm hopeful that the hydrangeas will bloom this year (long story. I pruned when I shouldn't have . . . and I haven't seen blooms in two years now. Hoping that I will this year. Please.)

And then of course, there is Easter. A time of Remembrance of Sacrifice and Renewal.

So many good things.

But as with so many things in life, there is some sad with joy. The beginning of Spring, March 28th, is the birthday of our second son. And the day that he died. This year, it marks the 2nd year since he left. The first year, it was painful to see Spring all around. But each year, it gets a little easier. I like to think he would have wanted me to see Spring and realize that I should still have Hope. And Faith. Because every year, even after it being so cold, so grey, so dark, Spring comes.

Happy Birthday Christopher

One year ago, our second son, Christoper was born still. Happy Birthday Christopher. We miss you. You will live forever in our hearts.

If you would like to read more about Christopher, visit the blog I used during and after his pregnancy at http://lifeinnormal.blogspot.com.

Remembering Christopher

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. I have sadly had three miscarriages (1998, 2002, 2006) and one stillbirth (March 28, 2008). So I have four little ones to remember on this day. But the one that I am remembering the most today is Christopher.

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2007. It had been two years since I had had my last miscarriage, and three years since Super was born. I had recently turned 41. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant. At first, based on my symptoms, I thought that it might be an ectopic pregnancy, but an early ultrasound determined that it was a normal pregnancy. I was diagnosed with placenta previa at 10 weeks, and was put on bedrest. Every day, I was just sure that I was going to lose the baby. The miscarriage in 2006 was at 13 weeks, and so I knew I wouldn't relax until I past that date. I had a dr. appointment at 12 weeks, and they did an ultrasound and said everything looked great, but that they wanted to do some bloodwork too. I had had this blood test when I was pregnant with Super, and it came back fine, so I wasn't really worried that the bloodwork would show any problems.

A week later, the OB's office called back and said that my numbers indicated that there might be a problem, and they referred me to a specialist. I went the following day. I was 13 weeks along. The specialist did another ultrasound and said that everything looked great, but it was really too early to tell if there were any problems by ultrasound. He said that the blood test indicated a 1 in 10 chance that our baby had Trisomy 18. I have a friend who lost a son to Trisomy 18 recently, so I knew that if it was true, it would be devastating. He recommended doing an amniocentisis because it was the only way to know for sure, but he left the decision up to us. We decided to do the amnio, but we couldn't do it until I was 16 weeks along, and that was 3 weeks away. We told our families about the strong possibility that our baby had Trisomy 18, and spent the next three weeks trying to prepare ourselves for it.

After three weeks of torture, I finally made it to 16 weeks. We went in to the specialist, and asked for an ultrasound before the amnio. The specialist said that if he had to make a diagnosis by ultrasound alone, that he would say that the baby was a normal, healthy BOY, but if we wanted the reassurance that everything was o.k., we would need to do the amnio. It was such a hard decision. We finally decided that it would be better to know for sure instead of wondering for the next 24 weeks and then finding out that he wasn't o.k. at the birth. The amnio went fine. The dr. said that it would be a few days before they got the preliminary results back. More waiting.

7 days later, I got the best call in the world. Our son was perfectly normal. I heard his heartbeat that day too. I was going to have this baby and it was going to healthy and happy and I was going to have the fourth child that I had always wanted. I could hardly believe it. My parents had come into town a few days earlier, and so we went out to eat that night, and finally told Flower, Jelly Bean, and Super that I was pregnant and that they were going to have a little brother! We sat around the table at the restaurant and talked about names, although we didn't come to any final decisions that night. I had a couple favorites and my husband had a couple of favorites. There was plenty of time to fight over the name :) I was just thrilled that the next half of the pregnancy was going to be uneventful.

A couple of days later, I went and had a pedicure and sat in one of those masssage chairs. The next morning, I woke up and felt strange. I hadn't felt the baby move yesterday, and I didn't feel him moving that morning. I tried telling myself that I was only 17 1/2 weeks and you don't feel movement that regularly, but I knew that something was wrong. I called my husband and told him that we needed to go to the dr. I called the dr's office and he agreed to see us right away.

I started crying before the dr. even came in the ultrasound room because I knew what we were going to see. And sadly, I was right. The dr. did the ultrasound and our little son's heartbeat had stopped, probably the day before.

We had only known that everything was going to be o.k. for four days. Four days. It was so unfair.

The dr. couldn't tell certain what the problem was, but it wasn't from doing the amnio, or sitting in a massage chair, or anything like that. It most likely was a problem with blood flow to the placenta.

I gave birth to our stillborn son on March 28th, 2008 at 5:09 am. His name is Christopher. I miss him so much.

--------

On Saturday, October 11th, our local hospital held a memory walk for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Flower, Jelly Bean, Super and I walked with signs on our backs that said "Walking In Memory of Christopher." There were, sadly, many other families walking with us. We walked about a mile, and then all of the people released a balloon. It was so moving to see all those balloons flying upwards. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore, and then we walked back to the hospital and they had a service in the garden. People could read poems and share memories. Flower read the following poem:

Little ears,
Tiny toes,
Oh, I forgot, his sweet little
nose.
Though
I never met him,
I will never forget him.
Our
little baby
Christopher.

I'm still sad about losing Christopher. I think that the thing that I'm most sad about now though is not just losing him, but losing the chance to be a mom to a little baby, and watching a new life begin, and seeing Super be a big brother, and the girls holding him and being my little helpers, and just getting to watch another child of ours grow up. I'm sad that I didn't get to know him. I'm sad that the only way that I can visit him is at the cemetery.

But I will always be his mom, and I will always remember him. I love you Christopher.