Friday, December 12, 2008

A little break from the Simple Talk

There is a subject that I think about quite a bit, but I rarely talk about it on this blog. And that subject is children.

I have three children. There are each wonderful and wacky. Are they perfect? No. Am I a perfectly wonderful mother? No. But it doesn't change the fact that for many years, I wanted to be a mother of not just the three children I have blessed with, but at least one, and possible two or three more.

My road to being the mother of any children has not been an easy one. I didn't get married until I was 29, and then I had difficulty getting pregnant, and I had a miscarriage before Flower, Jelly Bean's pregnancy was full of scary complications and bedrest, then another miscarriage, Super's pregnancy was also spent with some time on bedrest and then he was born with a true knot in his cord (but thankfully, it didn't cause any problems), and then another miscarriage in 2006, and Christopher's stillbirth in 2008.

I find myself looking at women who have four, five, six children and my heart aches for the children that I lost. My heart longs to have more children, to be able to have another baby in my arms, another baby to take care of and another baby to teach me more about what life is really about. My heart is broken because I will never have any more children.

But it isn't that I don't love the children that I have, and I often feel bad for the time that I spend wishing that things had been different instead of taking that time to do something with my children, or learning something to be a better parent to my children. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being grateful enough for what I have. Sometimes I feel like it is time to just accept the reality that I do have. Sometimes, I know that I am not being the mother that I could or should be, and that if I had more children, I would be even worse.

And then Flower draws me a picture, Jelly Bean shares a chocolate bar, and Super laughs his wonderful laugh. And I feel so happy.

Life is never what you expect it to be, for worse AND for better. Life is all about learning about sorrow and joy. I've had my share of both.

5 comments:

Tammy said...

You made me cry. I am so sorry for all the sweet babies you've lost, Andie. And I celebrate the beautiful people with whom you share your life. Even though our journeys have been different in many ways, I could have written this post. I live with that bittersweet every single day. I miss the child that I was blisffuly pregnant with at this time seven years ago. I'm in tears even now thinking about it. She was gone just a few short days later. And I grieve like you, the dream of having many children, like 4,5,6... and worry that my grief has somehow often overshadowed the joy I feel from being a Momma to my kids Bug and Si. Many blessings to you and your family, and thanks for sharing from your heart.

Stacey said...

You have definately had your share of sorrows. You are such a strong person. You have beautiful children and are an amazing mother and person. Don't feel guilty for the way you feel sometimes. You are human and more than that, a woman and everyone knows we only think with our heart.

Jennifer said...

From personal experience of watching so many of my husbands siblings have many babies and with my only 3, I can say that I truly understand where you are coming from. I find that at times a good cry in the shower and then back to business as usual.
Happy Holidays!!

Whacky Wheelers said...

I truly understand and feel EXTREMELY blessed to have Matthew. I still yearn for a big family and know that is not going to happen. I just hate it though when people tell me . . . at least you've got Matthew. Ugghh! I adore my family . . . and yes, a good cry in the shower helps you get back to life. I admire you in so many ways and so grateful that you were a part of Matthew's life. He ADORES you!

Mary said...

Very sweet! I try to think that the sadness that comes from losing some really helps you appreciate the ones you have -- especially on not so perfect days! I was just thinking of your last one yesterday -- I will always remember his birthday...