Thank You, Little One

If you are a regular reader, or at least someone who has checked my blog occasionally over the past year, you probably know that we lost our youngest son, Christopher, to stillbirth on March 28, 2008. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him.

But this post is not about Christopher. Well, not exactly anyway. This post is about another little boy in my life. I will not post his picture here now or his name because he is not my child. But he is a part of my life, and he has helped me so much in the past year.

As my pregnancy progressed with Christopher, I started picking up a few baby things. I had nothing left, not even the high chair or the crib, from when Super was a baby. I got a pack-n-play, a bouncy seat, and a high chair. And then after we lost him, I didn't know what to do with them. I thought "I should give them away. I should sell them. I should just put them out with the trash." But I didn't.

And then in early May, just a few weeks after Christopher had gone, I was at a Mother's Day tea. I mentioned to a couple of the ladies that if they knew anyone who needed daycare for an infant, that I was available. I had baby things now, so I might as well use them. I don't know why I said it. It must be too soon. But maybe someone with an older infant, maybe that would be all right.

One of the ladies contacted me the next day. She was teaching childbirth classes to a woman who was due very soon, and she knew that the woman hadn't figured out what to do for childcare. Oh, a newborn. I didn't know if I could do it. But I gave her my phone number anyway.

A month went by and no call. I figured that the woman had found someone else. Probably better this way. And then the woman called. Could she come by and meet me? Could she see the house?

I said Yes. But I was Oh. So. Nervous. I should have said No. Why didn't I say no? She arrived, and she was so nice. Super came out while she was here and just matter of factly stated "I have a brother, but he died." She looked at me, and I didn't know what to do. I was so afraid that she would think that I was trying to substitute her baby for my lost baby. I wasn't. I really wasn't. But would I? I said to the woman "Yes, I lost a baby two months ago." I know that it sounded too soon. Or maybe it didn't, if you didn't know the circumstances. And I wasn't up for sharing the whole story with a woman that I didn't know very well, and I may never see again. She continued talking with me, and said she would call in a few days to let me know what she decided.

And she did call back, and I did start watching him. I started July 1, 2008. He was such a bitty thing at first. He was 6 weeks when he started. But like all babies, he grew quickly.

At first, it was a little hard, but not in the way I really expected. It didn't make me sad to have him there or make me miss Christopher more. It was comforting, a little healing, to have a baby in the house. It was mostly hard after August 25th, 2008. That was Christopher's due date. And so kept finding myself thinking October, oh, Christopher would have been two months now. He would have been acting like Little Boy did in August or whatever.

But it helped me to be able to hold a little one, and help take care of them. It wasn't a substitute for Christopher, but it helped me to be able to do for a little baby what I would have done for Christopher.

He helped heal the children's hearts too, especially Super's. Super took Christopher's death so hard. It took him the longest time to understand that he wasn't going to come back. But with Little Boy, he could see him, he could play patty cake with him, or give him his toys. Super has always spent so much time with Little Boy just making him laugh. Again, some days it is hard for me to see it, because I would have loved to see Super making Christopher laugh. But I'm oh, so grateful to be able to see a glimpse of what it would have been like.

And now, Little Boy is almost 15 months old. He walks and babbles. He plays with toys (well, mostly he just takes them out and makes a big mess, but oh well.) Gone are the days when he would play in his exersaucer or just sit on the blanket. He is always on the move.

And Little Boy is now a toddler. He is in my life when I'm struggling to try and find the balance in my life. And he has helped me see that it really is just the very simple things of life that are important. Just being together. Because you can't do much else with a toddler around. Any housecleaning, printing, sewing, organizing, etc. needs to be done before or after he is here, or while he is napping. Because when he is awake, all I can get done is watching him play, watching him play with the other children, or playing with him too. At first, it was hard to let go. And it has been hard shifting most of the work to early mornings or late nights. But once again, Little Boy has helped me see it - helped me see what is really important.

So Thank You. Thank You Little One. Thank You For Being In My Life, Just When I Needed You.