But I figured if I can't complain/vent on my own blog, then where can I? If you don't want to listen to me moan and whine, you are free to go ahead and click away from here. I won't be offended.
1. I'm tired of having junky furniture. I know that I'd be mad if the kids wrecked nice furniture, and we don't have the $$ to replace it, but ugh. I'm so tired of scratched-up/cheap/non-wood/ugly furniture.
2. I'm tired of cleaning. To be a little more precise, I'm tired of being the only person who cleans around here. I realize that most of the time, I'm the only grown up in the house, and that most of the cleaning will fall to me, but dang it, most of the messes aren't mine! I'm SOOO sick of walking into a room, and finding random things like a sock, a game piece, a marker, a wet towel, etc. It takes me a half hour to clean up any room because there is one or two things from each room in the house that DON'T belong in that room.
3. I'm tired of my children not listening to me. I might find it slightly more tolerable if they would listen even after the second time I say something. But by the time I get to the third time, I'm starting to get pretty frustrated.
4. I'm tired of being fat. I realize that there are reasons why I'm fat, and things that I could do to change it. But, I'm just saying. I've been fat for entirely too much of my life. I have friends that I've had for 10 years that have never known me at what I think as my "regular" weight.
5. I'm tired of not having enough money. I know that financial people say that even if I did have more, then I would want more money. I promise, I'd be satisfied with just a couple hundred more every month.
6. I'm tired of feeling like don't have options. This is a long-standing problem with me - ask my mom. I am definitely a black/white person, especially when it comes to be life things like school, marriage, career, where to live. Once I get on a path or off a path and onto another, I can't see anything else. Even if I want to be on a different path. Or blend paths. Or even think about another path.
7. I'm tired of being kind of lazy. This sort of goes back to the fat thing. I realize that I could do something about it. And some people would say "Lazy? You are one of the most busiest people I know." Well, I am busy. That's true. But I use my busy-ness as a rationale to act like a slug when I'm not being busy. I could use my time so much more effectively, but I don't. And then I run around in the mornings/before church/before games/before meals/before I teach because I was playing around on the computer or watching my 3,000 episode of Law & Order: Whatever Unit. And all my plans for reading, writing, sewing, exercising, go out the window because "I'm tired" or "I've been running around all day and I just need a break."
8. Did I mention the money thing?? Ugh. And you know, I don't want more money so that I can get something extravagant. I'd like to get some preschool materials that I've been wanting to get FOREVER. And homeschooling books. And bookshelves (and some non-junky bookcases, please???) And new carpet (my 7 year carpet is so embarrassingly filthy, despite being professional cleaned on many occasions) and paint (my living room and hallways still have flat, carpenter beige paint that shows EVERY, and I do mean EVERY fingerprint and smudge from every time any child touched the wall.)
9. I'm tired of being disappointed. I know, I should just suck it up. And honestly, I really expect to be disappointed. I'm an UBER pessimist. But you know, I swear, I'd be willing to try and at least entertain the idea of being more positive, if I didn't have SO MANY EXAMPLES of things uh, not working out I'd planned.
10. I'm tired of having faith and hope. I was taught that if I chose the right, did my best, and just basically was a good person, then I'd be blessed. Maybe not blessed every moment of every day, but blessed. I know my life could be worse, and I know I have do have blessings, but you know what? I've had a whole lot of NOT blessings too. But it feels so, hopeless?, to just assume that things will always be like this. And I hate assuming that.
I really wish that we could move and live in a simple, beautiful, clean, happy house where everyone enjoyed being around each other, and helped each other, and where I felt joy, at least sometimes. A house with land to grow things, and for the kids and I to run around on. And that I swear would be enough. Well, maybe with some of that nicer furniture. And a house that had Diet Pepsi that ran out of the cold faucets, and hot chocolate out of hot. Just Kidding. Mostly. OK, maybe just one sink like that.
1.19.18 ~ January Knits
10 hours ago